Relationship Crisis: 6 Reasons to Get Physically Fit

Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track - which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.

Don't forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis.

It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone - I will start tomorrow - your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to "talk yourself" into getting started.

But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why:

1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it.

2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I'm not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins - calming your mind, heart and soul.

3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself.

4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable.

5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power.

6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good.

Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking.

You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources.

About The Author:
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Article Submitted On: September 13, 2005
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Long Distance Relationships - How to Make it Work

Long distance relationships are dreadful. I know this because I'm currently living one. You watch other couples walk down the street hand-in-hand, kissing, etc., everyday and you can't do anything but envy them. So how can a long distance relationship work? How can you keep on loving someone if you can't even see them?

The answer is...it depends on how much you want it to work. True love can overcome any odds thrown in its path if you want it bad enough. So the question is, how do you do it? Well, I do not think that anyone knows exactly how to make it work, but I can certainly provide some points on making it work.

1. COMMUNICATION is the key.

In every relationship, whether near or far, if communication is taken for granted, it can cause the relationship to quiver until it eventually dies a natural death. That's why in any given circumstance, communication has to be given utmost importance. There are so many available media to ensure that the communication stays open. From snail mails and phone calls to chat systems and e-mails or e-cards. These media can be effective means to convey your hearts desires to your loved ones. Let them know about what you've been doing and thinking because in that way they will feel like they are there with you. This will also help you feel close even though you are miles apart.

2. Send off CARE PACKAGES.

It can be anything -- a little gift of flowers; a collection of the letters he has sent you designed artistically into a scrapbook; or your sweetheart's favorite jewelry -- it's really only limited to your imagination. Engaging yourself in this way is beneficial for both of you. You get to concentrate on gathering these items and putting them together, thus keeping your mind off not being together to a certain extent. Your loved one will see how much effort you put into it and how much you care. Even if it is nothing more than a card,it shows they mean enough to you that you can take the time to let them know. It never takes much money to show a little love with a small gift. Trust me, it can melt a heart!

3. Keep yourself BUSY.

You couldn't just sit there and wait 'til he comes back to you. What if he doesn't come back at all and all you did was sit and get your tummy flabby, won't that make you just miserable? You won't just be stunting your growth as an individual in the process but you'd also be developing emotional insecurities. In order to avoid that, you have to focus yourself on other things while waiting. Try to identify your passions. Get in touch with your creative nature. If you are a homebody, you can read tons of books which can help you grow intellectually and emotionally or you can choose to lounge before your computer and surf for hours to learn invaluable things over the internet. It's an endless "ways-to-make-yourself-busy" list and it is up to you to decide whichever you're interested to get involved in. But remember, being "busy" is not an excuse to forget your "special days" and worse yet, your loved one. You're doing it not just to occupy yourself but also to allow yourself to grow even with your lover's absence.

4. HONESTY is the best policy.

The path to true intimacy and connection especially in a long distance relationship is through "total honesty" to each other in the fullest sense of the words. By being authentic and telling your full truth to your loved one about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, issues, boundaries, etc., you are gradually building up a zone of confidence and comfort for both of you. This is very essential if you want your relationship to really last. Seeking to avoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work for a while but it won't take much time until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways, such as withdrawal, resentment, "acting out," etc. I know, sometimes, telling your whole truth can be difficult and even scary, but it will result in the kind of relationship that you really want-- a relationship where all the cards are laid in the table.

5. The value of TRUST

Trust is a very fundamental aspect in any relationship. That is because having trust in a relationship takes away doubt. When you trust someone you never have to question their motivation about anything and with mutual trust that relationship is solid. You must learn to be true to the relationship and must never give way to insecurities, strange feelings, suspicions and quick impulses because these will only bring your relationship down. Don't push away negative comments, or advice. Just trust in yourself and your partner. If you two are true to each other and have no hidden motives then you'll be alright. Remember "Love never fails."

6. COMMITMENT is a habit not an achievement

In every relationship, it is a must to be able to learn how to commit and be committed. For most long distance relationships, the very reason why they fail is because both parties couldn't go on with the commitment and they feel too weak to withstand the tribulations of time.If you have committed yourselves to each other without shilly-shallying, then you have a good promise ahead of you.Your comitment to each other will keep the passion alive and the fires burning thus sustaining the growth of the relationship.

7. PATIENCE is a virtue.

Being in a long distance relationship requires being steadfast and persevering. If you aren't this kind of person and you're involved in a long distance relationship, then as much as now, you better try to learn to be patient. Focus your attention on all the positive aspects of the relationship and never give your hopes up. Showing that you value your partner and the relationship and that you are willing to work patiently through it will let them know you truly love them.

8. WEBCAM

This is applicable only for those who have the comfort of having their own personal computers at home.But for those who don't, there are computers-for-rent in cafe's with webcams already attached to the computer system. Having a webcam is actually very fun and exciting. Even if you aren't together but looking at each other's face in the broad screen makes you feel like you're just so close, so near to your loved one. My boyfriend and I use Yahoo messenger to express our emotions with smileys and it's melting my heart to see him smile in the cam when he gets my messages.

9. Make special occasions SPECIAL.

It is not everyday that a special day comes so when it does, it must be celebrated no matter how far apart you are. When I speak of special occasions, I mean birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, New Year and Valentine's Day. During these occasions, you can plan out some heavy-duty phone call or an extended online time for the evening. Regardless of whether you talk every night or a couple times a week, be sure you both carve out some time for that particular night. If you're too stingy to settle on a lengthy phone call, but have cheap and unlimited online access, plan to send instant messages to each other or meet in a private chatroom somewhere. If you can't be together, at least you can be "talking" and "spending some private moments together".

10. ENJOY LIFE!

Not because your loved one is away, it doesn't mean that your "life" is taken away with him as he sets on for greener pastures. You have your own life to live and you must live it up to the purpose you were created for, with or without your loved one.Anyway, we have our family and friends. What are these social beings surrounding us created for anyway?

Remember,there are definite hardships associated with this relationship style but it is important that those who thrive in a long distance relationship see the suffering, difficulties, distance and time as tools in cultivating their love and rearing up the maturity in their relationship. The best you can do is to strive to be the best of who you are as a person while your partner is away so that when he comes back to you, you are already a full-grown individual whom he will love even more and be more proud of more than ever! For now, just be happy in knowing that across the miles there is someone who thinks you are so special, they are willing to engage in a terrible thing such as a long distance relationship. Keep in mind that your suffering is not forever since your loved one will be back soon and when that time comes, everything will be much sweeter than it was back then.

About The Author:
Rachelle Arlin Credo is an entrepreneur and relationship coach. She also works as an image consultant and part-time writer. Her stories, articles, essays and poetry have been published in various magazines and online publications.
This article is free for republishing.

Be Glad That There’s Quarrel in Your Relationship

Is your love relationship smooth? Have the both of you actually quarreled before? If your answer is yes, then you should be happy and be glad that it happened. But if your answer is however a no, then you should be aware of the danger that you are facing. Hmm… did I make things sound a bit too scary? Ha, it is not exactly that serious; don’t be scared off by me. Well, I should believe that the both of you are just, still in the sweet honeymoon period of your relationship.

In life, we encountered a lot of up and downs. But it is nevertheless, through all these problems and obstacles that we learn to stand up on our feet times and times again despite the falls we had, that made us what we are today. If life were to be so smooth for us, we wouldn’t have grown and learn to truly appreciate it. The same goes for love; if a relationship is ever so sweet and smooth, we wouldn’t have learn to really appreciate and cherish the love that is between ourselves and our love. It is through the overcoming of all those quarrels and problems, surviving them through together that we truly know that we deeply cherish the love that is between both, strengthening the relationship more than ever.

Be glad that there is quarrel between both. It actually means that the both have developed another step further in your relationship. It is only when one is closer to you that a quarrel will then actually happen. I don’t suppose you will pick up a quarrel with your partner whom you just started dating? You be just trying all out to please him or her instead, wouldn’t you?

But do however treat each and every quarrel seriously, especially when the both of you have just started. This is the time for you and your partner to further understand each other more deeply, the time for you to reflect on yourself and honestly think about the relationship. This is the time for the relationship to be tested. A test of your love for one another; whether this relationship is strong enough to withstand any thunderstorm there may be. Well, a survival never fails to further strengthen the relationship, truly cherishing each other ever more.

Avoid unnecessary reasoning at the point of a quarrel. Most of the times it will only make things worse, wait till both have cooled down. At the end of the day, always make an effort to find out what actually went wrong. Is it your fault? Talk to each other nicely, share your unhappiness; let your partner know how you felt. A softer tone is always more calming and pleasing to the ears. Your partner will usually be willing to listen and to share his or her feelings with you too. Sometimes it is out of too much care for one another that unwillingly trigger off a quarrel between both?

Remember, nobody wanted any quarrel. If you are at fault, please don’t be a stubborn donkey, you jolly well apologize and seek for your partner’s forgiveness. A word of sorry isn’t really that hard to say out? There is nothing ashamed to feel of, especially when with your love? Admit your fault, a sincere apology would always be pleasing to the ears; most of the time, harmony it will bring. Nonetheless, if your partner were to apologize to you, you graciously accept it. Why start another quarrel when you could end it? Well, there shouldn’t be any overnight grudges between couples.

Give each other a good hug. “I love you dear, I am really so sorry to have hurt you, please forgive me…” Now isn’t that such a sweet ending? It is usually through so that you understand each other better, cherishing each other even dearly. Remember, love is a two-way communication. It takes two happy persons, a happy you and your love to complete the equation.

About The Author:
Rick Valens
Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com ,
Love Relationship Discussion Forum
Currently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org,
Monument of Eternal Memory
NOTE: You're free to republish this article on your website, in your newsletter, in your e-book or in other publications provided that the article is reproduced in its entirety, including the author information and all live website link as above.

The Powerful Secret to a Loving Relationship

There are many factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It also helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food. It makes things easier if both are neat or both are messy, if both are on time people or both are late people. Physical attraction is also quite important. It’s great if they have common values around money and spending.

Yet a couple can have all of these and still not have a loving relationship if one element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the relationship work.

This essential ingredient is about intention.

At any given moment, each of us is devoted to only one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our intention is to control, our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.

When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others.

The motivation to get love rather than be loving can create havoc within a relationship.

Let’s look at a typical relationship issue and see what happens regarding the two different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other, and they haven’t made love in a month. The problem started when Samantha stated that she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason objected. Samantha got angry, Jason gave in, and they have been distant ever since.

Samantha’s intention was to have control over getting what see wanted. She equates an expensive vacation with love if Jason does this for her, then he proves his love for her.

She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what she wants. She wants control over feeling special to Jason.

Jason’s intention is to avoid pain. He gave himself up to have control over Samantha not being angry with him. He hopes that by giving Samantha what she wants, she will see him as a good and loving husband.

However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other rather than be loving to themselves and each other, their interaction created emotional distance.

What would this have looked like if their intention had been to learn?

If Samantha’s intent had been to learn, she would not have become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand Jason’s objections. If Jason’s intention had been to learn, he would not have given himself up. Instead he would have wanted to understand why this particular vacation was so important to Samantha. Both Samantha and Jason would have been caring about themselves and each other, rather than wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration about why they each felt the way they did, they would have learned what they needed to learn - about themselves and each other - to reach a win-win resolution.

Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and Jason losing, they would have come up with something both of them could live with. With some exploration of his financial fears, Jason might have decided that the vacation Samantha wanted would be fine. With understand of Jason’s financial concerns, Samantha might have decided on a less expensive vacation. In either case, both of them would have felt fine about the outcome.

No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each other, their love will diminish when their intent is to control rather than learn. It’s amazing how quickly love vanishes when one or both partners have the intent to control. It’s equally amazing how fast it comes back when both partners have the intent to learn.

About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
Article Submitted On: January 09, 2006
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/

Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - CHAPTER 1

The following is a portion of the first Chapter of Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular).

The book is described as:

"...a funny, raw, passionate, original and somewhat controversial look at the world, life, love and relationships. Seed tackles the most serious issues facing us in our world of relationships today with his unique sense of humor. The message is positive and simple: Take Stock of your life and start living."

Seed (aka Lindsay Wincherauk) is a relationship expert and is described as:

"...a lot like James Bond. No one man can personify the true depth of Seed. In a way Seed is the "Exception". He does not march to the same drum as the masses. He charts his own course, makes his own mistakes and is solely responsible for his successes. Well, maybe not solely..."

He has been featured on major radio stations, writes a weekly column for a London based website: http://wwww.been-dumped.com and has been featured several times in 24 Hours Vancouver.

Enjoy the excerpts.


SEED’S SKETCHY RELATIONSHIP THEORIES A GUIDE TO THE PERILS OF DATING
(HOW NOT TO BECOME A BAR REGULAR)

What The First Readers Are Saying:

“This is one of the greatest literary works of the century. I believe it will save a lot of troubled relationships. I know if I had only received this wealth of information sooner, I would still be alive on the inside.”

- Bill (a broken bar regular in Chicago)

“I read this book cover to cover several times and each and every time I was actually riveted by the sheer passion and intensity. Every time I would rush home and give Harry a little something, something to show how I really feel about him. I knew Seed was gifted when I read his early work and actually I believe I am responsible for a great deal of the success he is receiving now. I made him who he is today.”

- Mrs. Grant (Seed’s grade 5 English teacher)

“Who’s Harry?”

- Tom (Mrs. Grant’s husband)

“Hey!!! You cut me off jerk.”

- Dick (an angry motorist)

“Well it took me a while but I finally was given the time to read it and it is GOOD! An entertaining read with realistic, useful information. My favorite line is: They have their own bars… why can’t they have their own book? You have a winner here and now is time to unleash it on the world whether they can handle it or not.”

- W

“I really like the paper.”

- Pepe (a blind panhandler)

“I am not lying Marge. I am just writing fiction with my mouth.”

- Homer Simpson

“I must commend Seed. He has tackled a very tough subject matter and spared the fluff that most books on relationships inflict upon us. He has shared big parts of his life to give the reader an understanding of where a lot of his knowledge comes from. It is very refreshing to see that he never held back on his opinions. He seems to say what everyone else seems to be afraid of saying and he talks from the heart. The book is laced with deep thoughts and yet it is filled with original comedy to keep it light and fresh to read. If you read it with an open heart and an open mind, Seed provides a very powerful positive message. I highly recommend this book to anyone trying to sort out their personal relationships or for those who simply want a good laugh. It is rare but Seed provides us with both. I wish him great success.”

- David (typesetter for a large printing company)

“Welcome to The Burger Barn. Can I take your order?”

- the seed.


CHAPTER 1
Opening Rant

“Promise Yourself:
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all of your friends feel that there is something special in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and let your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements of the future
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble!”

-Christian D. Larson

[…….]Never has there been a time in the short history of modern mankind where there has been so much uncertainty[……..]

[……]At the present time the world media is controlled by a few people resulting in a situation where you have to ask: Can we really trust the information that we are being fed?

If you turn on the news, it is just one tragedy after another, most of the stories create a scenario where leaving your own home seems like a risky venture. Just think about it. On any particular day you can read about Hurricanes, Snipers, Al Qaeda, Aids, SARS, the West Nile Virus, Ebola, Mad Cow Disease, the Avian Flu and [………]

[……]Technology is rapidly going out of control. No one can keep up with the daily advances that are taking place. It was not that long ago when the party line was still in use in rural communities. These advances are causing the gap between the rich and poor to become even greater with the middle class quickly becoming eroded.

Never has there been a time when huge companies are failing overnight with the ramifications to the stock markets being so extreme. Big-time managers, however, though their companies are broke, still keep their villas and “earn” enormous bonuses. The investors are left holding the bag.

Our weather appears to be changing dramatically. We have global warming caused supposedly by the greenhouse effect. There is El Nino, La Nina and whatever other supposed phenomena affecting the Earth’s climate. One must ask if this is naturally caused or controlled by man. Or, is man simply too stupid to see that acre after acre of rainforest is not worth obliterating in order to raise cattle for fast food chains.

Have you noticed that the “flood of the century” seems to come every few years? Hurricanes, typhoons and tornados are commonplace. Droughts, mild winters no big surprise. Have you ever stopped to think why this is so? Interesting things to ponder…

If one is to believe the Mayan calendar, this is all starting to happen for a reason and on December 21, 2012 things will become clear.

There are different theories on what may happen on this day. Standard thought is that the world is starting to go through a transformation of sorts – or one big correction as we start to go into the next cycle in the history and evolution of mankind. The dramatic events that are taking place now are sort of a weeding out of evil. When this above-mentioned date comes along, those of us who adjust or transform (basically get it), will have a chance to move forward into a better, more evolved earth. We are not promoting this belief but just saying that it is definitely food for thought.

On the one hand, you can have a world filled with war, hatred, fear, tragedy, racism and crime. No wonder relationships are struggling and the divorce rate is so high. We are living in a world of “me” time. Everyone seems to have stopped thinking of others and just looks at what is best for themselves.

How many different types of rage have been diagnosed over the last few years – the world needs really to slow down. Life is moving too fast. Everything is not that important. We need to get back to a day where we say “Hi” to our neighbors instead of fearing them. We are all in the same ball game together.

On the other hand, it's not all bad: I'm happy, in fact, I'm individually optimistic, yet, globally pessimistic.

Can we change the course of things to come?

I don't know.

We've messed it up pretty bad.

Just think about it for a moment. The family unit is in a state of crisis; the institution of marriage may be failing.

I suggest in the future for those of you walking down the aisle could you please uncross your fingers and take your tongue out of your cheek. You're only screwing up your kids and, in turn, our world.

If everyone actually meant, "till death do us part," the divorce rate may only be 20 - 25 per cent resulting in:

At least a 50 per cent reduction in unwanted children, in turn resulting in:
A smaller global population, in turn resulting in:
Less consumption, in turn resulting in: HOPE!

Wait a second, if that was the equation. I might not exist.

We have certainly left one messed up world for the next generation to try to fix. It's too bad that most of them come from broken homes. How are they going to fix the world, when they can't even fix themselves?

How do we implement these changes?

First off, we can turn off the news and start looking at things positively. As hard as it may be, we can all try to be aware of our emotions and no matter how hard it is, only be positive about things. We are all in a way being controlled or at least influenced by the media. So, shut off the TV for a minute and think. A shuttle tragedy, though a horrific event, does not warrant a lot of discussion by the average person, unless you have family members involved or you work at NASA. It can only create more despair, fear and negativity in the average man. A 100-car pileup on the Interstate does not need to be discussed, though tragic it is not positive, it does not warrant much time unless you are directly affected or on the safety committees that help to design highways. We know this sounds cold and our hearts go out to those who have lost loved ones, but the world is challenging enough just caring and looking out for those who are in our lives. If we are also being filled with the pain of people we don’t know and have nothing to do with, how are we ever going to find peace and happiness? […….]

- excerpts from Chapter 1 Opening Rant of: Seed’s Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular). To read Chapter 1 in its entirety visit:

http://seedenterprises.blogspot.com/2005/09/seeds-sketchy-relationship-theories_26.html

For further information visit: http://www.seedenterprises.com

This article is free for republishing Authors Bio:
Lindsay Wincherauk (aka: the seed) is an aspiring author, photographer, entrepreneur and comic. Over the last several years he has discovered his passion: writing and photography. He loves formulating new ideas and images. He is driven by life and feels life is meant to be lived to the fullest. He takes his inspiration from life’s challenges and believes that we need to look at life from different angles to see the true beauty in things. His work captures individual beauty. He believes that life is best lived in the “moment” and that if you open your mind and eyes to the possibilities, you may discover greatness.

He has traveled to 18 different countries, has been a Best Man 6 times, a Pallbearer 3 times, and he is a Godfather. He has hung out with Rastafarians, Russians, Clowns and Drag Queens. He feels it is vitally important to embrace differences. He has co-authored one book and has two more in the works, which will be released in the not-too-distant future.

Lindsay Wincherauk attended the University of Saskatchewan and now resides in Vancouver, British Columbia.
For more information on the Seed and his first book Seed's Sketchy Relationship Theories - A Guide to the Perils of Dating (How not to become a bar regular) please visit: http://www.seedenterprises.com

Interactions of Conflict in A Loving Relationship

Loving relationships exhume our most intense feelings and emotions, as individuals invest so much of themselves in their lover. It seems that the more important the relationship becomes in one’s life, the greater the risks involved if the relationship breaks down. Yet it is no surprise that with all of the time spent and personal intimacy one shares with their lover, this is where some of the greatest conflicts arise from. A loving relationship is often characterized by its “ups and downs” we like to say; the happiest moments to the most conflicted. So social psychologists often observe the human response to conflict and the nature of human behavior during a conflict. While every reaction is obviously distinctly different, there are general patterns of behavior that can be identified by social psychologists. While the two different paradigms of Cognitive Social Psychology and Symbolic Interactionism have differing conclusions about human behavior regarding conflict, both paradigms have valid points. Both paradigms can be analyzed and applied through a hypothetical conflict in a loving relationship. While Cognitive Social Psychologists emphasize ideas like game theories like mixed motive and the prisoner’s dilemma in conflict, Symbolic Interactionists will tend to stress ideas like strategic interaction and expression games.

To give some background on the loving relationship that will serve as the lab-rat for this paper, the conflict should be explained. Robert and Stephanie have been dating for three years now, as they met while attending graduate school at Brown University. They found that they had many of the same interests, and immediately had a mutual connection that they could not put into words. After a period of flirtation that lasted several weeks, the pair began to officially date. Both were experienced with intimate relationships, but neither had felt so confident about a relationship as this one. After eight months dating, they began to say “I love you” to one another and they truly meant every word that they said. However, it wasn’t until a full year of dating until Robert met Stephanie’s parents.

As expected, the in-laws just didn’t get along with Robert’s dogmatic ways and felt he was a bad influence on their precious daughter. Yet Stephanie was able to ignore their urging for a breakup and they have been dating for two more years since that first incident. However, the problem of dislike still lingers between Robert and Stephanie’s parents (the Franklins). For some reason lately Robert and Stephanie have been arguing all the time over the most trivial issues, and both of them know that in the back of their mind it’s probably due to the stress that the Franklin’s put on their “possible future together.” So it comes as no surprise that when deciding on where to go for Thanksgiving, a conflict arises. The Franklin’s have invited the couple over, yet Robert knows that he will be miserable as they degrade him the whole time and attempt to push Stephanie away from his loving grasp. But Stephanie hasn’t seen her family in four months and desperately wants to be around them again. The final decision is given to Robert, so should go to spend Thanksgiving with Stephanie’s parents, Robert’s parents, a mutual friend, or just home together amongst themselves? The conflict is quite tough to resolve, and will be reviewed from several different angles.

The paradigm of cognitive social psychology sees meaning as inherent with the individual’s job being to find this meaning. Researchers in this paradigm ask questions of “why?” They explain that conflict can turn into hostility when feels vulnerable and has a weak sense of self. By using game theories like that of mixed motive games where there are at least two options during each turn and the options and outcomes aren’t always clear, researchers can study the human response to conflict. A classic example is the prisoner’s dilemma, where two prisoners are given a chance to confess about a crime they committed together. The consequences come out that 1) if both confess, the sentence is mediocre 2) if one confesses but not the other, the confessor is given no sentence while the other is given a heavy sentence 3) If neither confesses, they both receive a light sentence. The results of the game showed why people act in conflict, as the best route would have been for both to remain silent yet because they aren’t trusting they usually take a worse road. Gender differences that were shown through research imply that females are less cooperative, retaliate more, prefer accommodation, and use the “tit for tat strategy” more often. (Elliott Lecture, November 18th) The tit for tat strategy basically says that “I’ll cooperate as long as you do, but if you turn on me then I’ll turn on you too.” So by exploring various game theories, cognitive social psychologists can learn information about “why” people act the way they do in conflict.

The whole game theory idea can be applied to Robert’s dilemma with Thanksgiving, as shown below (assuming that the Franklins can express interest in having Robert over or not express any interest):

Franklins’ Choice

Express interest in No interest in being together

Being together

- Franklins see Rob as caring about Stephanie

- Stephanie happy

- Rob unhappy because he is with Franklins

- Chance to work on things and better relationship - Rob sees Franklins as offensive

- Stephanie is upset

- No chance to work on things

- Franklins see Rob as offensive

- Rob happy because he’s not around Franklins

- Stephanie is upset

- No chance to work on things - Both parties offended

- Rob happy he’s because not around Franklins

- Stephanie is upset

- No chance to work on things

The best course of action for both parties is clearly to express interest in being together. The only negative here is that Robert is unhappy, yet with the prospect of working on things it is the only option that allows a bright outlook on the future too. Robert is a male so his tendencies in playing the game may not be quite as aggressive as if the choice was given to Stephanie and the situation was that the Thomas’ disliked her. Yet Robert must still be mature and choose to express interest in being together with the Franklins, and they must in turn do the same thing. This mutual course of action clearly has the best outlook for the future.

Symbolic interactionists view the individual as a process, with the surrounding world having no inherent meanings as we must assign meanings to everything. We are always adapting and changing; we are dynamic, not stagnant beings. Symbolic interactionists are always asking questions involving “how”, attempting to define the world around them. When a conflict arises, strategic interaction is a way that individuals will act and think, that is closely identified with symbolic interactionism. Strategic interaction is a method of behavior whereby individuals examine the world around them, identify actors involved, possible courses or action, and then use all accessible information to act based on projected outcomes. Erving Goffman in his book The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life discusses this idea in depth identifies its various characteristics. He defines strategic interaction’s conditions where, “Two or more parties must find themselves in a well-structured situation of mutual impingement where each party must make a move and where every possible move carries fateful implications for all parties involved.” (Goffman, 1959)

To apply this to the situation of Robert and Stephanie, look at how their interactions affect so many separate individuals. No matter what course of action Robert decides to take, more than just he and Stephanie will be affected. If they decide to go to the home of the Franklins’, Robert will be viewed as caring by Stephanie and possibly even by her parents. But regardless, they will still abuse him at every possible chance and put him down behind his back to Stephanie. If they decide to go to the home of Robert’s parents (the Thomas’), Stephanie will be upset about not seeing her family and the Franklins will surely talk badly about Robert to Stephanie because he is “being selfish.” If they decide to stay home alone then the Franklins perceive Robert as taking their daughter away from them, and if they visit mutual friends then both sets of parents are offended. It seems that every path will encounter problems; just through strategic interaction Robert can take the path where he faces the least amount of dilemmas. He should examine each possible course of action, place priorities on certain actors and decisions, and go from there.

Another term that Goffman identifies and goes on to describe in his book is referred to as expression games. In these games, the actors have different roles and take turns making moves against their opponent. There are various terms that should first be explained so that the game theory is completely understood. Each actor can be a party, player, pawn, token or informant. A party is anything with a “unitary interest to promote” and can often be a combination of several of the above terms. Individuals are referred to as players when they exercise intelligence by assessing their situation and following through on a selected course of action for the party. Pawns are those individuals whose social or bodily welfare is in jeopardy and can become the interest by which the stake of the game depends on. Tokens are simply those people who openly express the position that the party has taken. Lastly, informants possess information and pass this on to other actors involved. (Goffman, 1959) Next, there is the issue of a turn versus a move. Turns are the opportunity that an actor is given to take a course of action, whereas moves are the actual course of action that is completed. Turns are merely opportunities, while moves are the acts that exemplify usage of that opportunity. Expression games are based on different actors taking different turns to make moves, all of which will have some influence on the other actors within the game.

In reference to Robert and Stephanie, it is very possible to apply expression games to their specific situation. In this case Robert acts as his own party, and is a player, pawn and token within this party. He represents his own party whose interests are to please those around him while strengthening his weakened loving relationship with Stephanie. He acts as player by making a specific move when deciding where they should spend Thanksgiving, yet he is a pawn because his own social welfare (his loving relationship) is at stake. Lastly, he is a token because he must announce to all those awaiting his decision what course of action the couple will take. Another example of a party involved is portrayed by the Franklins, as their interests involve the separation of their daughter from her relationship with Robert. These two parties appear to be the most significant in regards to the current dilemma.

While expression games explain the roles of the actors involved, it also explains how and why the actors will make their moves. As with any game, there will always be an opponent. In order to outplay one’s opponent, actors use a few pieces of knowledge about their opponent that they may gather. These include the opponent’s operational code, resolve, information state, resources, gameworthiness and integrity. Here is how Goffman defines each of these terms:

• Operational Code- “the orientation to gaming that will diffusely influence how the opponent plays... the opponent’s preference pattern…”

• Resolve- “the opponent’s determination to proceed with the game at whatever price to himself.”

• Information state- “the knowledge the opponent may posses about the important features of his own situation and of (his opponent’s).”

• Resources- “the stuffs that the other as a party can draw upon in his adaptations to the situation”

• Gameworthiness- “the intellectual proclivity to assess all the possible courses of action and their consequences from the point of view of all the contesting parties…the ability to think and act under pressure… the ability and willingness to dissemble about anything…”

• Integrity- “the strength of their propensity to remain loyal to the party once they have agreed to play for it…” (Goffman, 1959)

By evaluating and calculating each of these characteristics within one’s opponent, it becomes possible to determine the best possible course of action. Knowledge of one’s opponent gives an individual a major advantage, as he or she can think moves ahead of the present. By determining the strengths and weaknesses of the opponent, individuals can better estimate how a course of action will be received so that they may make the most successful move.

While there are clearly many parties involved in the current conflict that Robert and Stephanie face, it is clear that the party of Robert is faced with an opponent represented by the Franklin’s. Stephanie may also be considered a part of Robert’s party, yet her loyalty to the opposing party of the Franklin’s may be greater than her loyalty to Robert’s party. She also is a semi-informant to Robert as she surely tells him some of the information she knows about her parents and even their opinions of him, yet she definitely withholds a lot of information as well. When deciding where to spend Thanksgiving, Robert needs to first examine his knowledge of the Franklins so that he can predict their response to his move. Their operational code is against Robert, as they are always protective of Stephanie and critical of Robert. Their resolve to deface Robert appears to be without end, yet their information state about Robert is very limited because they never want to hear anything but the negative aspects of his life. However they do know that they have a great influence over their daughter. The resources they have are pretty much limited to Stephanie, and their integrity is without fault and they are highly loyal to each other and their daughter. Also, Robert must have great respect for the gameworthiness of the Franklins, as they are obviously willing to put up a fantastic fight to win their daughter back.

Robert is armed with all of this knowledge of his opponent, so he must utilize this to make his decision. To be successful in this game (of winning over the Franklins and Stephanie) his move should be to attend Thanksgiving at the Franklins’. All other parties involved (their mutual friends and the Thomas’) will not be greatly offended if the couple doesn’t join them for the holiday, so their relationships won’t be jeopardized. The only way that another party won’t be truly offended is if Robert and Stephanie will go the Franklin home. This move will show the Franklins that Robert cares about their daughter’s desires and needs, and the well-being of their family as a unit. Their integrity and resolve for their daughter to be happy are strong and will not change. Yet their information state about Robert is quite small and their resources will grow if they spend more time with him, so perhaps by interacting with the family he can make some minor movement towards winning them over. This is the most prudent move for the time being, so now the Franklin party must decide how to respond to Robert’s gesture once the couple arrives at their home for Thanksgiving. The game will be truly kicked into high-gear then.

One thing is for certain among all of these differing paradigms and opinions- conflict promotes growth. While conflict is thought of with a negative connotation, it is actually beneficial to life. Without conflict individuals would not face the underlying problems that each person faces, nor would they proceed into future development. (Elliott Lecture, November 18th) Conflict is a necessary and automatic part of daily human behavior, and individuals learn and develop through its eventual resolution.

Whether from the vantage point of a cognitive social psychologist or a symbolic interactionist, it is irrefutable that love is “fertile grounds for conflict.” (Essay prompt) With so much of an individual being invested into this one relationship, there is almost no way for there not to be a conflict at some point in time. The example of Robert and Stephanie’s dilemma shows an example of the little quarrels that loving couples experience, and the varying ways that they are resolved and acted through. Symbolic interactionists like Goffman use strategic interaction and define expression games to navigate the “hows” of human behavior through conflicts. Cognitive social psychologists will attempt to explain “why” specific behaviors occur in people when conflict is present, through the observation of various game theories. The most important concept is that universal idea that conflict cannot be ignored and only serves to strengthen individuals. It should not be observed as a negative event to be avoided, it is truly beneficial and essential to an individual’s maturation.

Works Cited
Elliott, Professor George. Lecture. November 18th, 2002.

Elliott, Professor George. Lecture. November 20th, 2002.
Elliott, Professor George. Lecture. November 22nd, 2002.
Goffman, Erving. The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. New York: Anchor Books. 1959.
Patrick Flaherty
ClassNotesOnline. Click for a free resource for teacher websites

5 Tips For Successful Relationships!

"Love conquers all, right?" Well----it's suppose to. But most marriages will end in divorce. Most of their problems are about the children, money, or in-laws. When couples commit to a long relationship, there are specific personality traits they should have in common.

1. Similiar physical texture (thick skinned/thin skinned)
2. Similiar emotional stability
3. Similiar degree of tolerance
4. Similiar intelligence/understanding of situations
5. Similar Interests

Without these five traits, the couple live on difference planes, different worlds. They are inclined to drift apart.

Couples grow by adjusting to their differences, but some times, the amount of the difference may be too much.

Love provides the reason for being willing to adjust to the other person's difference from yours.

A frequent question is; "How do I know it's real love?"
The answer may be that when you are enjoying something special - ex: a movie, a sunset, flower, song, and you long to have your partner to share it with. The degree of longing will determine how much in love you are.

Growth in a relationship should come from; doing things together, allowing things to happen, accepting them as is, and changing what you can. It involves sharing and
caring.

Couples usually don't mind working at their relationship as long as they have a closeness to each other. They don't want divorce, they want understanding. Divorce is usually a rebellion at not being able to get through to each other. The couple are still in love, that's why it hurts so much to part.

There is a story of a couple who had been engaged for seven years. The young lady didn't have the courage to commit. They had their personalities profiled and learned to adjust to each other's personalities. They understood each other as individuals and their elationship
flourished.

To perfect your relationships "Secrets For A Happier Love Life" is now available to help you. Get your FREE e-course at; http://www.faceuptoit-youcan.com/ssale.html
Contact Kathy at; success4u@faceuptoit-youcan.com

This article is free for republishing With 8 years of teaching and 15 years in Toastmasters, Kathy Thompson really enjoys writing and speaking. She has a B. S. in Business Communications and has taught her programs around the country at various businesses and Adult Education Centers. She writes and speaks about Health, Personal Communications (writing & speaking), and her unique specialty of "Face Reading" has brought her plenty of media attention. Kathy's goal is to help you be all you can be and reach your potential.

Feel free to print/reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or website as long as you leave all the links in place. Don't modify the content and include the resource box as listed. Please send a note when it is used.

Thank you.
word count: 365
character width: 60
- by Kathy Thompson
writing4u@faceuptoit-youcan.com
(c) Kathy Thompson - All Rights Reserved www.faceuptoit-youcan.com

Are You Making Room For Friendship in Your Life?

If you currently feel that you don’t have enough friends in your life, one reason may be that you have let yourself become too busy to make time for the relationships you already have.

Nurturing and maintaining friendships requires effort and commitment. Many of us let our lives become so busy with work and other commitments that we don’t get around to scheduling time for pleasure and renewal with the friends, relatives and acquaintances we already have.

Making the effort to call your friends more regularly, and to accept more of the invitations you receive from others, can improve your social life in a hurry!

Are there any people you could call right now and be assured of a pleasant welcome? Are these people that you could count on to help you in a crisis? Can you have close talks with them? Do you have fun when you are together? Are you happy to have them in your life?

If you haven’t seen much of them lately, is it because you have become too busy? Have you grown apart? Was there an argument?

If the main reason you haven’t been getting together with the people you already know is because you have gotten too busy, take a good look at how you spend your time. Compare it with your real values and priorities in life. Is your hectic lifestyle really bringing you the quality of life that you want?

If you have become too busy for friends, why has this happened? Are you pursuing material toys in your life at the expense of relationships with other human beings? Have you allowed your time to be over-committed because you never say “No” to anyone? Do you insist on doing things yourself that could be delegated to others? If so, why? Do you believe that everything depends on you?

Examine whether the way you are currently spending your time accurately reflects your deepest values and priorities. Make sure that you schedule adequate time for the things that are truly most important to you.

If you really want to keep friends in your life, make a space in your schedule, and a space in your heart for them.

This article is by Royane Real, author of several self help books including “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want” To read more self help articles on the topic of friendship and self esteem, visit http://friendshipvillage.bravehost.com
This article is free for republishing Royane Real is the author of several self help books including “How You Can Have All the Friends You Want” If you want to improve your social life, download it today at http://www.royanereal.com